Okay. So Thursdays are going to be Dad Lesson Day here at FOTM (copyright that NOW, it’s going to be worth ZERO cents one day.) On DLTs (oooh, another abbreviation – I’m so Internetty I can’t stand myself) I’m going to break down the tasks that might seem simple for some, but nigh on impossible to others.
***SERIOUS DRAMATIC REVEAL ALERT***
If you’re still reading after the posted alert, you have been warned. My own father died (passed away sounds like something boats do when the captain gets drunk) when I was sixteen, so a few of these Daddish-type things I taught myself. If my methods seem strange and awful, feel free to correct me in the comments, or just call me a massive ditchpig and be done with it.
There. ALERT LIFTED. CONTINUE WITH YOUR LIFE.
The lesson for today: Making A Baby.
Hardy har ha ha har, right?
Making that kid is harder than one might think. On the other hand, there are more and more stories all the time about women that have babies that DIDN’T EVEN KNOW THEY WERE PREGNANT.
I think if I got pregnant, I’d know.
Sensitive and discoloured mipples.
Strange cravings, like NOT wanting to eat everything.
Crying slightly LESS than normal.
BOOM. That’s me, all the way knocked up.
So, here, without further ado, not that there was much ado beforehand…the Father of the Millenium Lesson for Making a Baby.
1.) Be alive. Not many buns getting put in ovens by dead people.
2.) Be a grown-up. Seriously. Not too many happy babies being raised by babies themselves. Wait a bit. It’ll work out better for everyone.
3.) Acquire a partner. Not an entirely necessary step, but if you have an equal relationship, where both parties are fully invested and committed to the delivery, rearing, and development of the aforementioned tiny person, it can work out quite well in the end.
3a.) Barring a partner, sperm donation banks can do in a pinch.
4.) Discuss with said partner whether a child is something either of you are ready for, and if so, discuss it until you can’t breathe, talk or eat any longer. Seriously. Think it through. That’s a whole person you’re talking about. Not a pet. Not a hobby. A whole person.
5.) Once discussion is over and remains an ‘AYE’ for baby-time, arrange a time and place for some sweet THIS STATEMENT REDACTED FOR APPROPRIATENESS AND IMMATURITY BECAUSE THE MAN WRITING THIS ARTICLE FEELS SILLY WHEN TALKING ABOUT THIS KIND OF STUFF.
6.) Wait an average of nine months. Baby pops out (although it never just POPS out. That discussion is for another Thursday) and it is now in the world.
Have I missed any steps? Are there any pieces of unsolicited advice I forget to include? Please address these issues, and any others in the comments below. Thank you.