As FOTM establishes itself as the new standard for everything in the universe, the slow introduction of amazing, untold and never-before-seen features continues. Saturdays will be review day, and the first Saturday of the month (I am aware that your antiquated Gregorian calendar will be on its second Saturday, but FOTM’s year started on January 3rd for no reason other than the fact that it works better for this sentence) will be for video game reviews.
FOTM will base things on the F-Yes scale, established years ago by a very important group of scientists that was promptly destroyed by its own collective brilliance.
Today, we review the newish game, Destiny, because there are only thirty-nine billion reviews of it already. One more is very necessary to keep the world spinning at its proper velocity.
STORY – Three F-Yesses out of Five
A Giant White Ball of Amazing comes to Earth and saves the planet. We have a Golden Age and rediscover our Human Supremacy over everything in the vicinity for a few hundred years. A mysterious force, known only as the Darkness, smacks us back down to Earth in the most literal sense, and then various alien races decide we should be wiped out. And they decide they should wipe each other out. So, everyone spends the next however-long-you-decide-to-play-the-game trying to kill one another.
Also known as the same story told in most science fiction since Og wandered out of the cave, pointed to the twinkly dots in the sky, and told Thag they were coming to get us. It’s not a bad story, but it’s not going to change the world. Not like the sandwich did. That was an important discovery. We’re still trying to catch up to that one.
GRAPHICS – Five F-Yesses out of Five
I might be biased, because I just got a PS4 at Christmas, like all nearly middle-aged fathers of three should, but the graphics are some of the best I’ve ever seen. It doesn’t make or break a game for me, because I was playing games when an orange-and-brown splotch that kind of looked like a little dude bounced on the head of another orange-and-brown splotch that kind of looked like an owl.
The planets all have wide, colourful landscapes; the aliens are all distinct in their movement and general look; and it all looks just real purdy on my overpriced box of wires and dead prehistoric bacteria material.
GAMEPLAY – Four F-Yesses out of Five
Shooty-shooty-pew-pew-gun-gun-shoot. Add some mild RPG elements and a hoverbike that gets you across the massive worlds a little quicker, and you have an idea of what Destiny plays like. That’s not a bad thing, if you like the SSPPGGS-style of games, which I do. Popping the head off an insect robot or a giant alien that looks like it brought Leeloo Dallas Multipass to Earth is satisfying.
The guns handle well, it’s fun to dash around on your bike-thingy, and getting new powers as you level up is exciting. I know I’m not in the minority, but it’s most definitely a delicious thing to go back to levels I struggled with earlier and rip through the binary-code based enemies with my overpowered pewmaker.
MULTIPLAYER – Cooperative Four Point Five F-Yesses / Competitive N/A
I say N/A for the competitive side, because I can’t stand running around waiting for someone to kill me. I have always sucked at deathmatch/king-of-the-hill/capture-the-flag/hunt-down-the-turtle games. I have attempted this so-called newfangled method of ‘getting better,’ but it just hasn’t worked out. I withdraw my judgment of the competitive multiplayer of Destiny, for it will be coloured with the spiny brush of hatred.
The Cooperative side is great fun. As you progress through the story, missions called Strikes open up, and they match you up with players around the same level. You go down into the Pits of Despair where the bad guys dwell, and proceed to SSPPGGS them all to an explosive, smoky death. Then you all dance, because without voice chat activated, your interactions are limited to dancing, pointing, bowing and sitting down.
GENERAL RATING – Four F-Yesses out of Five
Destiny is a good game. Its story and kill-all-the-aliens mindset chunk along at a standard pace, but the great gunplay and cooperative multiplayer are par excellence. Most fans of the SSPPGGS genre will lose a few (okay, many) hours playing Destiny.
Excuse me, I see a Guardian over there I haven’t danced at yet today. And I should probably go and jump on top of the message shop because everybody else does. Or perch weirdly on a flagpole to show off my jumping skills. Bye for now.