I would love to see just one movie about high school with a little grey thrown in the mix, as opposed to the black-and-white world so many screenwriters make it out to be. According to most films, books, very-special-episodes of sitcoms, and just about any form of media that is dubbed entertainment, high school is supposed to be the best time of our lives.
Except it isn’t.
It also wasn’t the worst time of my life. My brother and my father both died in horrible accidents. Not getting a date to the Spring Fling dance rather pales in comparison to those little episodes.
But to sit there and say to the universe ‘high school was the best time of my life’ would be a bald-faced, ugly lie. One that I am unwilling to spread any longer. With that, I give you this week’s Three: The Best Times of Your Life That Really Weren’t.
1.) High School
Your body’s weird. You have hair in places you didn’t know had pores or follicles. You smell terrible 90% of the time. You can’t stand the sight of your own naked body. You can’t stand the sight of your own clothed body. You think everyone’s thinking about you all the time, or even worse, you think nobody’s thinking about you all the time.
Yeah, that’s the best time of your life right there. Constant misery, worry, and self-inflicted pressure while being told from the adults what to do with your life, all under the guise of ‘career counselling.’ People do realize that we’re graduating high school at around seventeen or eighteen, right? The brain’s not quite fully cooked yet, yes? And this is the so-called best time of my life.
I can’t think and I’m having a blast. Right.
2.) The Other Night When You Got Sooooooo Wasted…
Overindulging on alcohol is the one time when you can do something to excess and get praise for it. You are revered if you drank fifteen beer, but judged if you scarfed fifteen chocolates. ‘I got thrown in the drunk tank’ earns you a round of high fives and back slaps, but ‘I stole a car for kicks’ gets you harsh judgey eyes and ‘what’s wrong with you, man’ headshakes.
I don’t believe people when they say they had the ‘best night last night’ when the story starts with ‘I had (enter excessively large number here) Jagerbombs.’ Wait. You got euchred before you even left the house, and then you went and had the most amazing, memorable and outstanding night the world has ever experienced.
And then you passed out.
Here’s what ACTUALLY happened.
You did drink all those shots. Judging by the fetid stench oozing from your mossy teeth, and the wrinkled, frumpled and overall disheveled look of your oversized hoodie, that part did happen. The rest of your night, where you ended up ‘dancing with all those amazing Australians at the top of a mountain, and then you saw a skunk wandering through a neighbourhood while you played football with Johnny’s shoes…’ I have some dube. I feel dubious about your tale.
You fell asleep in the taxi and ended up spending $130 on cab fare, didn’t you? AND you barfed in the ashtray.
BEST NIGHT EVAAAARRRRRRRRRR!!!!!
3.) The First Time…as in Your First Time
This is made doubly horrible if it’s both of your first times. Everything hurts, you don’t know what the hell you’re doing, and you’re seeing stuff you’ve never seen before in real life. It’s like discovering that Santa Claus is real, and you’re the only one that knows about it. Both of you kind of wish it was all over, and if you actually manage to get Tab A into Slot B before Tab A makes things all messy, you’re ahead of the game.
The rare occasion where it’s both a night to remember and forget, all at once.
There you have it. The Best Times of Your Life you wish never happened. Are there any hallowed events that you’re told are supposed to be cherished that just made you miserable?